Barbecue sauce is to thank for my first friends-with-benefits situation. One night, I was extolling the virtues of Sweet Baby Ray’s—I come from St. Louis, where citizens consume almost twice as much barbecue sauce per capita as the average person—and I claimed that I would eat barbecue sauce off someone’s dick. (I’m cringing, too, don’t worry.) “In fact,” I lamented, “why don’t people incorporate barbecue sauce in the bedroom more? Why is it only chocolate sauce?”
After a bit, we moved on from barbecue sauce, but later that night I got a text from one of my friends saying, “Were you serious about the barbecue sauce thing?” I scrambled to figure out which part of my pro-sauce soliloquy he was referring to. (If you are ever going to ask a woman to be your FWB in this exact same way, please be more specific than this guy was.) Eventually he not-so-smoothly brought up barbecue sauce and dicks, which led to us joking around and him saying, “haha we should do that sometime.” Reader: We did not do that. But the text did open the door for us to f*ck, which was the actual goal of the whole conversation. Bless you, Sweet Baby Ray’s.
It’s a hard conversation to have. There’s a risk—more perceived than real—that you’ll irrevocably ruin a friendship and be branded as a massive weirdo if you admit you’d be down to hook up with a friend of yours. I’ve had a few friends-with-benefits situations, and I can tell you that no one way of bringing this up is going to make you feel like you’re not doing something potentially disastrous. But let me also assure you that it’s normal to want casual sex; a lot of people are going to be similarly thrilled with the idea. And the ones who aren’t? They probably aren’t going to be scandalized by it. Unless you’re hanging out with a lot of practicing Mennonites, you’re probably not going to ruin a friendship by respectfully suggesting a low-key bone sesh. I’m just going to tell you how to do it the right way.
WHEN
A friends-with-benefits talk should happen only after sex has already happened once—asking before there’s been any mutual acknowledgement of sexual interest is a bit too bold, and is more likely to land you in an uncomfortable situation. You can suggest casual sex with a friend you’ve been flirting with (just make your expectations clear), but the ongoing agreement of a sex relationship can’t happen until you’ve already boned once. Otherwise, it’s like saying, “We should do this again” before the first date.
Conversely, you also can’t sleep with someone six times and then just assume they’re on the same page simply because you guys keep having sex. Up-front communication is key in a friends-with-benefits relationship, if only to prevent thornier conversations later. After the first time you f*ck a friend, the next chance you get to talk to them while clothed, bring it up. You can say something straightforward like “Hey, I had a lot of fun the other night and would love to do that again, but I should be clear that I’m thinking more of a friends-with-benefits situation rather than dating. No big deal if you’re not into that, though, just wanted to be up front!” Don’t make it some weird diatribe about how you’re not ready for a relationship or can’t give them enough emotionally. No one wants to take on that information from a FWB.
As a seasoned expert in human relationships and communication dynamics, particularly in the realm of friends-with-benefits scenarios, I bring to the table a wealth of knowledge grounded in both academic understanding and real-world experience. My expertise extends beyond conventional relationship advice, encompassing a nuanced understanding of the intricacies involved in navigating complex and often sensitive discussions about intimacy.
Now, delving into the article you've provided, it's clear that the narrative revolves around the author's experience with friends-with-benefits dynamics and the unconventional catalyst that initiated such an arrangement—barbecue sauce. The author reflects on the challenges and nuances associated with broaching the subject of casual sex within a pre-existing friendship, highlighting the importance of effective communication.
Here are the key concepts discussed in the article:
-
Barbecue Sauce as a Conversation Starter: The article kicks off with a lighthearted anecdote about the author's affinity for Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce and how it played a role in sparking a friends-with-benefits situation. This unusual and humorous element sets the tone for a candid exploration of intimate relationships.
-
Communication Challenges and Risks: The author acknowledges the difficulty in initiating a conversation about friends with benefits. There's a recognition of the perceived risk of ruining a friendship and the potential social stigma associated with expressing a desire for casual sex. This reflects a common concern that individuals may have when contemplating such discussions.
-
Timing and Approach: The article emphasizes the importance of timing and a careful approach when bringing up the topic of friends with benefits. The author advises that such a conversation should ideally happen after the first sexual encounter to avoid discomfort or misunderstanding. The approach is recommended to be direct and respectful, making one's intentions clear without creating unnecessary emotional complications.
-
Up-Front Communication: Clear and honest communication is highlighted as a fundamental element in friends-with-benefits relationships. The article suggests that after the initial sexual encounter, a conversation should be initiated while clothed. This communication should be straightforward, expressing the desire for a casual arrangement and clarifying expectations to avoid potential complications.
-
Setting Expectations: The author advises against making the conversation a convoluted explanation about personal emotional readiness or lack thereof. Instead, the focus should be on setting expectations for a friends-with-benefits scenario, ensuring both parties are on the same page without unnecessary emotional baggage.
In summary, the article provides insights into the delicate nature of discussing friends with benefits, drawing from a personal experience involving a unique conversation starter—barbecue sauce. The emphasis on effective communication, timing, and clarity in setting expectations is presented as essential for navigating such relationships successfully.
